I have scars and wounds that will never heal. My heart has been broken. I struggle daily. My husband and kids are the glue that hold my heart together. Without them, I’m just broken, completely broken. It’s hard to go on each day when your body is numb. But life keeps going on even when your life has stopped.

I’m battling demons every single day. The anger and the sadness are relentless. They defeat me. I have to physically force myself from bed daily and just to complete daily routine tasks. I have to hide the anger and have to pretend to be someone I’m not. Pretending life is ok and everything is fine. Meanwhile I’m hurting so deeply on the inside. I try to think of what I did to deserve this.
Many people say that time will heal all wounds and life will get easier. How can going on without one of your children get easier. I don’t think it’s going on that gets easier, it’s the pretending that gets easier.

Miss you! Love you to the moon and back forever!

              Happy Valentines Day!

I love holidays, all of them. I will find any reason to celebrate with friends and family. And everyone deserves a cake on their birthday!

Every holiday since Zane was born has been different, but still amazing. The first few holidays were spent being hospitalized, and we thought being split as a family during the holidays was tough. We didn’t realize at the time that we would eventually be temporarily, permanently split.

Once we received a “terminal diagnosis” for Zane, the holidays became harder. (I put terminal diagnosis in quotes because we never received an actual diagnosis, but we’re told his brain was shrinking and we weren’t sure how much time we had left with him.) Zane was also getting sick more often. Most holidays we weren’t able to take Zane out like we used to. Daddy would care for Zane at home while we went to see my family in the morning and I would care for Zane while he spent the rest of the day with his family. We could have had a nurse sit with Zane, but I didn’t believe in making nurses work the holidays. They deserved time with their family and Zane deserved to be with his family.

Each holiday was spent celebrating the fact that we had another one with Zane, but also some grief that it could be his last. For the last two years each holiday was bitter sweet. If Zane was well enough we spent it together with our extended families. If he wasn’t we spent it split up so Zane had at least one of us there with him. As hard as the holidays were while Zane was here, they are even harder now.

This Christmas was the very first holiday we had to spend without Zane. I knew it would be tough, but I was able to keep myself busy and stay strong for our other two children. I really thought Christmas would be the hardest being the first holiday without Zane. However, when New Years Eve night rolled around I lost it. All of it. I cried uncontrollably for a really long time. Going into a new year without Zane was so much harder than any holiday without him has been so far. Just the thought that all 2016 photos would be void of his physical presence and sweet smiling face hurt so much. This year has also had a lot of trying days and days where I wasn’t sure I would make it. But, it’s also has some better days too. I’m still sad alot, but, manage to smile more too.

1,249 tomorrows was all we were given with you. What I wouldn’t do for just one more.

We take tomorrow for granted and always expect it to be there for us. If tomorrow could talk I think it would say, “don’t wait for me, I’ll always be here, but you will not.” Tomorrow is always tomorrow, before it becomes today, and then yesterday. It has this way of always being there for us, until it isn’t. Time is taken for granted and promises are made we can’t always keep.

The photo above is the very last photo of Zane that I took. I knew how sick he was and yet I still said, “there’s always tomorrow.” This photo was taken Friday, November 27 and we got two more tomorrows before we had no more. No matter how many photos I took, I’m always going to wish I had just one more. Just one more photo, one more kiss, one more hug, and one more tomorrow. 1,249 tomorrows wasn’t enough. I’ll always want just one more tomorrow. We love you you to the moon and back, forever!

                Happy Birthday, Daddy!

Today we get to celebrate 11,688 tomorrows with Zane’s daddy. Happy Birthday to the best husband and father. Thank you for being my rock!