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This blog post is tough. Not only is it my first one, but its about grief. Grief is hard to talk about because each day my experience with grief is different..

I started this blog a week ago. I have several little blurbs started and then I erase and start over because the next day I don’t like what I wrote. So here is to hoping I hit publish before I erase it and start over.

Grief can be ugly. And tonight, its pretty much just that. Like an ugly cry until you want to vomit type of night. Every little thing seems to set off the tears.  As I sit and hug Zane’s pillow I question everything I ever did for Zane and can’t help feeling like I failed him. Grief grabs a hold of all the good things I ever did and replaces them with all the things I regret and the things I failed at. It’s good at reminding me that Zane is gone and I am left here feeling empty and alone. It causes so much pain and there is nothing that will make it better except to have him back.

What is it about grief that makes it so hard? Why is it so physically demanding and debilitating at the same time? Why am I sometimes unable to get out of bed and how is it that something can make me hurt so bad and cause so much pain? Grief is so much bigger than it sounds. It consumes me and my life and will follow me forever. There is no way out. I suddenly have new life and I have to figure out how to live this new life. Where do I begin?

I’m still trying to figure out where to begin.  Each day I try to figure it out and sometimes I feel like I have succeeded and found somewhere to begin. Then I find myself destroying what I created because grief won that day and I need to start over again. I may start over a thousand times. I know one of these days I will get it right, and I wont need to start over. I will only need to continue. If you can’t beat them, join them. Grief is not meant to be a battle you overcome.