Life is hard without Zane. Terribly hard. When he was born we changed our lives to fit his. Although our lives felt hectic and exhausting at times, I loved every minute of it. I love a challenge and our lives were challenging at times. Although I couldn’t have asked for a better life. Now I’m lost. I got lost on November 29 and I have yet to find my way. I’m still searching.

This month was particularly hard. I started back to work, full time. I didn’t ease myself into it, I just flew into it, not really ready, but I don’t think I would have ever really been, even if I waited.

I added Zanes last butterfly bead to his beads of courage. I plan to write about that later.

I had to take my daughter to an appt at Children’s. Walking into the hospital brought back smells I never thought I’d miss, and made me tear up. The memories were endless and hard. We were seeing a doctor who Zane had seen when he had GI issues. That was rough. Then he asked how Zane was doing. I’m not really sure how I didn’t lose it right there. It was rough. So very rough. And to think, we have to do it all over again in a few weeks.

I visited the RMH to deliver all the wonderful donations we received. Going up the elevators was bitter sweet. We had lots of goodies for rhe families, but the memories were hard. I’d live there if it meant having Zane back.

I attended a support group for Zanes nursing agency by myself. I haven’t attended anything that had to do with Zane by myself since November.

I attended a viewing for another little boy who left too soon. His mommy works for Zanes nursing agency and I had talked to her a few times before when I was visiting the agency. I wanted to try and be strong for them even though it was hard. Instead I cried a lot and hugged his mommy. Her hugs helped me too. I hate seeing another family go through this too. It’s not fair.

I think about Zane 24/7 and everything reminds me of him. He was our life. I get angry a lot. Blame myself and fight with myself a lot. Struggle with guilt on top of my grief. The only thing I want is to make sure Zane continues to be .y super hero and encourages others to give and love with their whole heart.

From the day we had Zane, we had an amazing support system. Family, friends, and even strangers. We always had what we needed. I know that not everyone is that fortunate. So I want to pass on our fortune to others. I want to send care packages to families in need. I want to help places like the Ronald McDonald House and Children’s Hospital who were so generous to us and became our second home. I want to turn my anger into love and support for families who may be struggling now. I want everyone to remember Zane for his courageous acts of kindness and genorosity. He is the reason behind why I do what I do. Be kind to everyone, give to those less fortunate, love others for who they are, do it for you, do it for Zane.

If you would like to help us help those staying at RMH and Children’s Hospital you can send items to
OUR AMAZING ZANE
PO BOX 39
SEWARD PA, 15954

We are looking for travel size items such as:

Dish soap
Laundry pods
Individually packaged snacks
Shampoo
Conditioner
Soap
Anything you may take when you’re going away

Thank you for Remembering Zane and giving back in his memory.