The last 10 months have sort or been like an unusual hell. While my life has been moving forward quite nicely, the broken parts are struggling to keep up. My heart has a constant ache, a permanent reminder of your life and death. Every detail of your 3.5 years is etched into my heart and soul. There’s not a day that goes by where my heart doesn’t ache to hold you again. 

I remember most of the major events that have happened in my life, but rarely recall anything in between. However, I remember vividly most of the last four years. Everything from June 28, 2012 through November 29, 2015 is solid in my mind. This time three years ago we were getting prepared to be discharged from the children’s home,two years ago Zane was home and we were decorating for fall, and this time last year we were 23 days inpatient struggling with Zane’s, sugars, electrolytes, and enlarged organs. We were also preparing to tell our families that we needed to bring Zane home on hospice. I had just finished all my diabetes training and was learning about all the med changes we would be making when he came home. I was arranging our nursing and hospice, cleaning and preparing for homecoming number ~30.

When we chose hospice, I envisioned many more years with Zane. We had watched his health decline for the last year and a half, but also saw the strength he had. Never in my life could I have imagined that just two months after being placed on hospice I’d hold him while he took his last breath. 

I think more than heartache, I struggle with anger and confusion. I’ve learned to place a bandaid on the pain every morning to help me get through the day. The bandaid is temporary and needs replaced often. Just when I think I’ve got it in the right place, something tears it from my heart. If they had a bandaid big enough to hold the pieces together I would buy a lifetime supply. I’ll forever be a griever and I’m ok with that. To grieve means I have loved been loved deeply. I would move mountains if it would bring you back. 

I will love you to the moon and back, forever!