I’ve been told that people will pass through your life to guide you in the right direction. If you’re led off path, they show up to lead you back to where you need to be. 

After Zane was born, I thought my life was pretty tough. Balancing the kids, a job, numerous illnesses and hospital stays took a lot of strength. But somewhere I found it when I needed it. Through help from friends, family and even strangers I got through each day. But nothing prepared me for death. It was always in the back of my mind, but there was no way it could happen to me. Then it did. 

The first year after Zane’s passing was the hardest. Why me? What did I do to deserve this? I was scared, angry, sad, and I hated God. I mean was there even a God, because if there was he sure as hell wouldn’t do this to me. This was wrong. How can you give me a child and then take him back. If you exist why would you give me the most precious little boy then rip him from me, from our family. You’ve taken a part of my heart and what’s left hurts like hell. 

It’s been almost 2 years now. Losing Zane is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to experience and it changed me. I’m not the same person. Zane has taught me unconditional love, to find peace in the most unpeaceful places, to care for people even if they’ll never care for me. My heart broke the day I watched him take his last breath, but it also filled with all the love he left behind. All the love he had in him was spread amongst those who were hurting the most. It wasn’t easy to see at first, but as time moves forward, it becomes more clear. 

I wasn’t on the right path, and you were sent to change it.